Tag Archives: Patience

Tough Love 1: Deal With It (Or, Don’t Piss On Your Cheerios)

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Being a rainbow in someone’s clouds can mean telling them something they’d rather not hear but they need to learn. I like to think of this as tough love. Some of the most impactful tough love I’ve ever received was doled out by my big brother.

Deal With It, Or…

As I was growing up, when I had a bad day, my older brother Gary would tell me, in his wise and caring but semi-tough way, “Lisa, you just have to deal with it. Getting upset will not help. In fact, it will make things worse.” Following Gary’s advice, after indulging in some Oreos (double-stuff preferred) to soothe the pain, I’d buck up and do what needed to be done to resolve the problem without feeling sorry for myself.

Engage In Conscious Choice Making, Or …

Many years later I learned that in advising me to deal positively with challenging situations, Gary was aligned with Deepak Chopra and the Dalai Lama. Deepak Chopra deals with it by engaging in “conscious choice making”, which recognizes that between stimulus and response is a space in which we can choose how to respond:

“Unfortunately, a lot of us make choices unconsciously, and therefore we don’t think they are choices – and yet they are. If I were to insult you, you would most likely make the choice of being offended. If I were to pay you a compliment, you would most likely make the choice of being pleased or flattered. But think about it: it’s still a choice. I could offend you and I could insult you, and you could make the choice of not being offended. I could pay you a compliment and you could make the choice of not letting that flatter you either.”

(From The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.)

The results of consciously choosing how we respond to even the most basic situations can be profound. Standing in line at the grocery store or airport, when the person in front of me has too many items for the express line or metal items in their pockets, I remind myself that I can get upset — or not. The choice is mine. And choosing to get upset is never a good idea. Instead, I take a deep breath, smile, and do my best to make productive use of the extra time life just handed me.

Cultivate Positive Mental States, Or …

The Dalai Lama deals with it by cultivating positive mental states such as compassion and kindness, and avoiding negative mental states such as anger and aggression:

“I think that to a large extent, whether you suffer depends on how you respond to a given situation. For example, say that you find out that someone is speaking badly of you behind your back. If you react to this knowledge that someone is speaking badly of you, this negativity, with a feeling of hurt or anger, then you yourself destroy your own peace of mind. Your pain is your own personal creation. On the other hand, if you refrain from reacting in a negative way, let the slander pass by you as if it were a silent wind passing behind your ears, you protect yourself from that feeling of hurt, that feeling of agony. So, although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations, you can modify the extent to which you suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation.”

(From The Art of Happiness.)

Don’t Piss On Your Cheerios

As I see it, the “tough love” from Gary, Deepak and the Dalai Lama basically boils down to this: don’t piss on your Cheerios. Take a minute to recognize the space between stimulus and response. In that space, choose to deal with a negative stimulus in a positive fashion rather than choosing to get upset and ruining your day. Of course, transforming our outlook in this fashion takes time and practice. As the Dalai Lama explains, “eventually, as you gradually build up the positive practices, the negative behaviors are automatically diminished.” This is good news, because no one likes soggy Cheerios.

Next week: Tough Love 2: If You Can Spot It, You’ve Got It

Rainbow Of The Week: The Dalai Lama’s Guide To Dating

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Someone I dated years ago recently reappeared and began calling and texting on a regular basis, and taking me to dinner at expensive restaurants. Let’s call him Mr. Boomerang. I was flattered. And yet, something was a little off. Last week, the real reason for his getting back in touch with me surfaced: Mr. Boomerang thought I could give him some lucrative business through my current employer.

When I first realized what was going on, the ugly green slime of anger started rising from my stomach up through my throat and into my brain. I’m pretty sure those nice dinners went on his expense account. Hmmm, do you think he expensed his mileage too?

Thankfully, the Dalai Lama’s words of wisdom, from The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, came to the rescue. As the Dalai Lama explains, “hatred and anger are considered to be the greatest evils because they are the greatest obstacles to developing compassion and altruism, and they destroy one’s virtue and calmness of mind.” The way to overcome anger and hatred is to cultivate their antidotes – patience and tolerance – by actively practicing them.

I was determined not to let Mr. Boomerang destroy my peace of mind, so I shifted my perspective and decided to use the experience to practice my patience and tolerance skills, per the Dalai Lama’s advice:

“Now there are many, many people in the world, but relatively few with whom we interact, and even fewer who cause us problems. So when you come across such a chance for practicing patience and tolerance, you should treat it with gratitude. It is rare. Just as having unexpectedly found a treasure in your own house, you should be happy and grateful towards your enemy for providing that precious opportunity. Because if you are ever to be successful in your practice of patience and tolerance, which are critical factors in counteracting negative emotions, it is due to the combination of your own efforts and also the opportunity provided by your enemy.”

With that in mind, I politely told Mr. Boomerang about some research he needed to do in the area of my company that’s of interest to him, gave him my work number, and told him to call me during business hours.

But don’t think that the Dalai Lama is a wimp:

 “Now when we talk about how we should develop tolerance towards those who harm us, we should not misunderstand this to mean that we should just meekly accept whatever is done to us. Rather, if necessary, the best, the wisest course, might be to simply run away—run miles away!”

I did the equivalent of running miles away: I deleted Mr. Boomerang from my iPhone. That felt good, but not nearly as good as reacting to a trying situation with patience and tolerance and avoiding all of the negative emotions that anger unleashes inside of us!

The Art Of Happiness At Work

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For the past few years, I’ve been in a state of sustained dreadfulness at work, since witnessing a friend and co-worker get callously fired and escorted out a week before Christmas. Despite repeatedly reminding myself that I’m lucky to have a job in this economic environment, I’ve grown increasingly unhappy and grumpy at work. And like many people these days, my ability to move elsewhere for a job is hampered by being a homeowner in today’s horrendous real estate market.

Practicing Compassion Instead Of Cashing In My 401(k)

Feeling trapped in a bad place, after a particularly bad day at the office (the kind when you contemplate quitting and cashing in your 401k), I implored the universe to help me: if there’s a lesson I’m meant to learn from this situation, please show me what it is. The next day, I ran across The Art Of Happiness At Work, by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler, M.D.

The book contains important lessons about applying Buddhist philosophy to transform dissatisfaction with work in the Western world. The lesson I needed is that happiness at work doesn’t begin by finding a “nirvana” job free from tormentors and tyrants. It begins by turning inward and reshaping my own attitudes and outlook.

I had grown so disillusioned with how people are treated at the workplace that I had checked out as a human being. I was just doing the work expected of me and collecting a paycheck until I found an escape hatch. The Dalai Lama teaches that this is not the route to happiness:

“[I]f we are discussing happiness and satisfaction at work, like in all human activities, the human factor—how we relate to those around us, our coworkers, our customers, our boss—is of prime importance. And I think if we make a special effort to cultivate good relationships with people at work, get to know the other people, and bring our basic human qualities to the workplace, that can make a tremendous difference. Then, whatever kind of work we do, it can be a source of satisfaction. Then you look forward to going to work, and you are happier there. You think, Oh, I’m going to work to see my friends today!”

He emphasizes that “we should take special care to pay attention to the human relationships at work, how we interact with one another, and try to maintain basic human values, even at work…. Just basic human goodness. Be a good person, a kind person. Relate to others with warmth, human affection, with honest and sincerity. Compassion.”

Gee, That Sounds Familiar

The Dalai Lama’s co-author, Dr. Cutler (a psychiatrist), weaves real-life examples into The Art Of Happiness At Work to illustrate these points. One story from a senior editor at a publishing house really hit home:

“I have to start with the irritation I feel when I have to answer a nagging question from a co-worker. I have to appreciate that person as someone who also has a job to do and whose needs are at least as important, if not more so, than my own. Then I can take some satisfaction in the fact that because of my job I’ve been able to help clear someone else’s confusion….

“So then I can see the purpose of my job is really to help alleviate suffering. But it’s not easy to maintain. I slip into ‘burnout’ all the time. It’s a mind-training exercise that I have to engage in all the time. And crabbiness at work is the sign that I need to do it again, and again, until one day the feeling just comes naturally, spontaneously….”

What About The Tormentors And Tyrants?

Of course, training my mind to be more kind and compassionate doesn’t make the tormentors and tyrants disappear. But as the Dalai Lama explains, those individuals provide us with chances to improve ourselves:

“[T]here are some people who have an interest in spirituality, those people who are trying to train their minds, to cultivate spiritual values like compassion, patience, tolerance, and forgiveness. Now, for those people, they may use these challenging situations as part of their spiritual practice, and view situations where there are conflicts with difficult co-workers as opportunities to practice these wonderful human qualities, to strengthen these spiritual values. I think it is a wonderful thing if one can use one’s place of work as a place of spiritual practice as well.”

Lasting Happiness 24/7

The Art Of Happiness At Work helped me see that I can’t have a happy life unless I relate to others with warmth, human affection, sincerity and compassion in my personal life and in my professional life: “When you appreciate the interconnected nature of all aspects of your life, then you will understand how various factors—such as your values, your attitudes, your emotional state—can all contribute to your sense of fulfillment at work, and to your satisfaction and happiness in life.” Practicing these seemingly simple lessons in recent weeks has had a transformative impact on my life, in and out of the workplace.

Does this mean that I plan to stay in my current job for the rest of my working life? No. But while I’m there, I’ll use the experience as a tool to reshape my outlook and attitudes, to integrate basic human values at the office, to reduce my anger and hostility and cultivate the opposing mental states of kindness, compassion, tolerance and forgiveness. In Dr. Cutler’s words, “true happiness may take longer to generate, and requires some effort, but it is this lasting happiness that can sustain us even under the most trying conditions of everyday life.”

You can get a copy of The Art of Happiness At Work on Amazon. It’s not currently available as an e-book, but I prefer to have a hard copy anyway. I keep it on my desk at work as a reminder of the important lessons it contains!