Category Archives: Relationships

NVC 4: Making Requests

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Having learned about making observations without evaluations and expressing our feelings and needs without blaming others, we move to step four of Marshall Rosenberg’s non-violent communication (NVC): making requests of others in order to get our unfulfilled needs met. Sounds easy, right? We’re all used to asking for things. But making effective requests requires more mindfulness than most of us realize.

In NVC terms, requests have three characteristics:

  1. They’re stated in terms of clear, positive, concrete action, and they avoid asking someone to refrain from doing something.
  2. They’re specific enough to be doable in the present.
  3. They aren’t demands: the other person can say “no” without fear of retribution.

Use “Positive Action” Language

NVC suggests that we make requests using “positive action” language, positive in the sense that we request what we want the other person to do rather than what we want them not to do. Negative requests can create confusion as to what we’re asking for. In his book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict, Rosenberg explains, “We get to a different place with people when we are clear about what we want, rather than just telling them what we don’t want.” Also, negative requests are more likely to provoke resistance. (Just think about the last time someone told  you to “stop doing that.”)

Make Specific Requests That Are Doable in the Present

In addition to using positive language, NVC requests avoid vague, abstract or ambiguous phrasing and take the form of concrete actions that others can undertake in the present. Nonspecific requests can hamper understanding and communication, and they’re sometimes used to mask interpersonal games (like telling people how we want them to feel or be). By making ourselves formulate doable requests, we’re also forced to become aware of what it is that we want from others. And the more clear we are as to what we need from the other person, the more likely we are to get our needs met.

Here’s an example from What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication of how to transform a non-specific request into an NVC request:

“It would not be a request to ask, ‘Would you show me that you love me?’ The problem is that it is not doable. How would either person in the conversation know that the ‘showing love’ request has been met? Showing love is not something a camera can take a picture of. A doable request might be reworded as, ‘Would you be willing to hug me now?’ or ‘Would you be willing to sit on the couch now and listen to me tell you about my day for 5 minutes without saying anything?’ These sentences are requests because not only are they referencing the present, but they ask for something that can actually be done, and in a sense measured, by the parties involved. Both people would know when the request had been met.”

Make Requests Instead of Demands

If we’ve expressed our feelings and needs in a way that doesn’t blame other people, our requests can be made in a context that sound less like demands. What’s the difference between a request and a demand?  When we make a request, we’re open to hearing a response of “no.” Demands, on the other hand, implicitly or explicitly threaten people with blame or punishment if they fail to comply:

“We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly. Thus we might ask, ‘Would you be willing to set the table?’ rather than ‘I would like you to set the table.’ However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t respond to the request. We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing as we asked, then we have made a request, not a demand. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says ‘no’ to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying ‘yes.’”

(From Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.)

As Rosenberg emphasizes, the underlying purpose of NVC — including making requests instead of demands — isn’t to get our way; it’s to build relationships based on honesty and empathy so that everyone’s needs can be met. In NVC Part 5, we’ll learn more about “The Power of Empathy.”

NVC 3: Feelings, Woo-o-o, Feelings

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“The underlying intention in using NVC is to connect: to connect with ourselves first and only then to attempt to connect with others.”

(From What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication, by Judith Hanson Lasater and Ike Lasater.)

Connecting With What We Feel

The second step in practicing non-violent communication (NVC), after making observations without evaluations, is connecting with our own feelings and needs. Only then can we express them to others, which is essential to communicating in a meaningful and productive way. When we can identify our own feelings, it’s that much easier to identify the feelings and needs of other people, even when they don’t recognize them themselves.

I’m fairly representative of the general population in that I’m pretty clueless when it comes to identifying and expressing my actual feelings. Having been raised in an uber German household, I was taught to deny feelings as weak and self-indulgent (with the possible exception of anger, which seemed to be the one strong emotion that was OK to express). Heck, even in Morris Alpert’s song “Feelings”, the guy is “trying to forget” his feelings of love. Learning to recognize and express our feelings is a critical part of self-understanding and NVC. As explained in What We Say Matters:

“Unless and until we are aware of what we are feeling and needing, we are unlikely to relate in a direct way with others. Unless we are clear with ourselves, our words create consequences (karma) for everyone that we will probably not enjoy.”

Distinguishing Feelings From Thoughts

NVC teaches the importance of distinguishing between feelings and thoughts, assessments and interpretations, which are often expressed with the phrase “I feel”. Telling someone “I feel like you don’t understand me” isn’t expressing a feeling; it’s expressing an opinion about that person. Saying “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal” is also expressing an opinion.

In fact, any time the phrase “I feel” is followed by the words that, like, as, by pronouns (I, you, he, she, they it) or by someone’s name, we’re expressing opinions and thoughts, not feelings. When we’re really expressing a feeling, we don’t need to use the word feel at all. We can say “I’m feeling lonely” or just “I’m lonely.”

It’s also important to distinguish between words that describe feelings and those that express interpretations of other people. Here’s an example from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life:

“‘I feel misunderstood.’ Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion.”

Other examples of commonly used words that express our assessments of others instead of our feelings include abused, bullied, intimidated, let down, neglected, rejected, threatened and used.

Since many of us were raised in environments that discouraged us from expressing how we feel, it’s not surprising that we lack a “feelings vocabulary” beyond a few basic terms (happy, sad, tired, pissed off). To help with this, Rosenberg provides a “feelings inventory” – dozens of words, divided into “feelings when your needs are satisfied” and “feelings when your needs are not satisfied”. He also provides a “needs inventory” with a similar design. Armed with an increased literacy of feelings and needs, we can pause when we find ourselves being triggered by someone or something and increase our awareness of what’s happening inside.

Accepting Responsibility For Our Feelings

Why bother with so much work to accurately identify and express how we feel in a particular situation? It helps us come to grips with the fact that other people don’t cause our feelings. Rather, as Rosenberg explains, “our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment.”

Instead of accepting responsibility for our feelings, we tend to blame others and think about what’s wrong with them and what they should do differently. The phrase “makes me feel”, as in “You make me feel angry”, is one example of how we use language to shift responsibility for our feelings from ourselves to outside forces. In Nonviolent Communication,Rosenberg identifies other common speech patterns that mask accountability for our feelings:

  1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”: “It depresses me when the Cubs lose.”
  2. Statements that mention only the actions of others: “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”
  3. Use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because” followed by a person or a personal pronoun other than “I”: “I feel angry because the doctor is running late.”

In each instance, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility, feelings and needs by substituting the phrase, “I feel … because I….” For example:

  1. “I feel depressed when the Cubs lose, because I want Chicago to have a winning baseball team.”
  2. “Mommy feels disappointed when your don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”
  3. “I feel angry that the doctor is running late, because I have a long list of errands to get done.

I have to confess that I’m enamored with the phrase “I feel … because I ….” It helps me catch my tendency to blame others for my own feelings (having been a frequent user of phrases like “You make me feel …”). It causes me to be much more aware of the fact that I have a choice in how to respond to people and events around me. It also gives me a tool for stopping in the moment and determining what need of mine isn’t being met that’s creating the unpleasant feeling. In addition to creating more compassion for myself, tapping into my feelings and needs and expressing them in a way that avoids assessing and blaming others allows other people to respond in a more compassionate and less defensive and aggressive fashion.

Don’t let the seeming simplicity of this practice fool you. It can be tough to apply, particularly in situations of conflict and charged emotions. But as I’m learning, the results it produces — both in ourselves and the people with whom we communicate — are well worth the effort. To get you started, here’s a fairly short (10-minute) video of an NVC training session with Rosenberg on expressing feelings and needs.

Next week: NVC 4: Making Requests

NVC 1: The Basics of Nonviolent Communication

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“It is through our speech that we are known, for it tells a story of our thought life and essential self. How we speak can open or close doors, heal or hurt, create joy or suffering, and ultimately determines our own degree of happiness.”

This quote, from the foreword to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World, kicks off a series on non-violent communication, or NVC. I first encountered Rosenberg’s work at the Chopra Center. I was there for the meditation practice, but as a lawyer dealing with conflicts every day, I was intrigued by Rosenberg’s book entitled Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

A clinical psychologist, Rosenberg has applied NVC in conflict zones ranging from Rwanda and Serbia/Croatia to corporate board rooms to interactions between family members. NVC is premised on the concept that everything we do is to enable us to meet some need. Yet we’ve been raised in a world where we’re discouraged from identifying our needs and feelings for fear of being labeled weak and dependent. This leads us to engage in communication that’s harsh, judgmental and critical, i.e., “violent” communication. This type of communication, laden with diagnoses and demands, provokes defensiveness and aggression instead of creating connections and relating to each other based on compassion.

NVC guides us to shift our communication mindsets from violent to nonviolent by utilizing four skills:

  1. Observing what’s happening within us and around us without judging or evaluating.
  2. Identifying and expressing what we’re feeling, as opposed to what we’re thinking or how we’re interpreting the situation.
  3. Connecting those feelings to needs that create them.
  4. Making and responding to requests to take action that will fulfill our needs, without making demands that will be met with punishment if not satisfied.

These skills are applied to enhance self-empathy (compassionate awareness of our own inner experience); empathy (listening to others with compassion); and honest self-expression (expressing ourselves authentically in ways that are likely to inspire compassion in others).

This may sound like a strained form of hippy-dippy-trippy communication. But the focus is less on the four steps themselves and more on our intentions when we speak. Shifting our mindsets to nonjudgmental observations, feelings, needs and requests can be as valuable as years of therapy for our relationships with others and ourselves. Becoming aware of our own feelings and needs and transforming our own inner dialogue paves the way for us to develop empathy for other people in our lives and to listen to them with compassion, even if they’re not practicing NVC:

“As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt and needed rather than diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as others — NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.”

(From Nonviolent Communication.)

So how do we keep our attention focused on feelings and needs and avoid the seemingly natural drift into judgments and demands? This series will go over key aspects of NVC designed to help us do just that. Also, Rosenberg’s Center for Nonviolent Communication offers training in NVC. To get the ball rolling, here’s a video of an introductory class with Rosenberg on the basics of nonviolent communication. Hang in there with it. Rosenberg’s approach may be far different than what you’re used to, but the results can be profound.

Next week: NVC 2: Making Observations Without Mixing In Evaluations

Tough Love 2: If You Can Spot It, You’ve Got It

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I looked, and looked, and this I came to see:

That what I thought was you and you,

Was really me and me.

(Old Proverb)

When I walk to work, if left to its own devices, my inner critic has a field day passing judgment on strangers: “How could you think it’s OK to wear so much Pepto Bismol pink?” “Thank god I don’t have cankles like her!” “No man carrying a backpack to work will ever be CEO!” And on it goes, as long as I let it run.

During my Jyotish (Vedic astrology) reading, Brent Becvar explained that when I pass judgment on others, I’m projecting onto them aspects of myself that I’m ashamed of – in other words, my “shadow” self. As Brent put it, in a memorable tough love phrase, “Lisa, if you can spot it, you’ve got it!”

Brent isn’t the first to observe this phenomenon. Jesus warned about the “shadow” self during the Sermon on the Mount (my personal favorite of his): “Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?” He explained that we should “remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.” As Jesus suggests, two qualities emerge when we become more aware of the shadow self: (1) clarity of perception, and (2) a peaceful disposition that’s motivated to help and serve others rather than judge them.

In a short article called “Ten Keys to Happiness”, Deepak Chopra also discusses the tendency to project onto others what we deny in ourselves, and how moments of judgment can be transformed into learning opportunities:

“Know that the world ‘out there’ reflects your reality ‘in here.’ The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself. Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.”

Now back to Brent. He advised that when I catch myself being judgmental, I should hit the “pause” button. As long as I’m busy projecting onto someone else, I can’t access the truth about my own nature. Brent then said to ask myself these questions: Where is that (i.e., the quality I’m judging in the other person) in me? Is it possible that, under some condition, I could do that thing that bugs me so much when this person does it? Here’s an example of what the inner dialogue sounds like:

 Inner Critic: “How could you possibly think it’s OK to wear so much Pepto Bismol pink?”

Conscious Observer: Stop!! You’re judging her. Is it possible that, in some circumstances, I might wear that color? Well, yes. There’s a side of me that loves that color. In fact, I have a Pepto Bismol pink cardigan, and luggage lock, and yoga tops, and …. Hmmm, now that’s interesting.

This isn’t easy work, especially for an “uber judger” like me. Nevertheless, Brent’s advice to engage in this mindfulness exercise is invaluable tough love. Asking and answering the questions he laid out enables me to:

  • Detect, gently confront and integrate my “shadow” self (who, among other things, is apparently a closet fan of questionable colors);
  • Let go of my mental habit of picking faults in others and replace it with compassion; and
  • Have a much healthier and happier relationship with myself and the world at large.

Make no mistake: I’ll still see imperfections in others and myself. But if I continue to cultivate the mental awareness that “if I can spot it, I’ve got it”, I can minimize the amount of negativity I put into the universe and into my own mindstream.

Next week: Tough Love 3: You Can’t Change And Stay The Same

Field Notes On The Compassionate Life

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He captured me with his first paragraph:

“Every now and then, I’ll meet an escapee; someone who has broken free of self-centeredness and lit out for the territory of compassion. You’ve met them, too, those people who seem to emit a steady stream of, for want of a better word, love vibes. As soon as you come within range, you feel embraced, accepted for who you are. For those of us who suspect that you rarely get something for nothing, such geniality can be discomfiting: They don’t even know me. It’s just generic cornflakes. But it feels so good to be around them. They stand there, radiating photons of goodwill, and despite yourself, you beam back, and the world, in a twinkling, changes.”

Thus begins Marc Barasch’s Field Notes on the Compassionate Life: A Search for the Soul of Human Kindness. An inspiration for Tom Shadyac’s film “I Am”, the book chronicles Barasch’s quest to find the origins and essence of human compassion. Why bother with an entire book about compassion (a term Barasch describes as “kindness without condition”)? Well, as he puts it, “A compassionate life is more fulfilling….it’s only when the ego bows out that the curtain rises on real life.”

Compassion: The Transformer

Field Notes is one of the most thought provoking, inspiring and remarkable “self help” books I’ve ever read. In a writing style that’s friendly, funny, intelligent and never pious, Barasch takes us on his journey to find answers to provocative questions with tremendous implications: What if the great driving force of our evolution were actually “survival of the kindest”? How can compassion, a trait hardwired into our nervous system and waiting to be awakened, transform our lives? Can we increase our own compassion quotient with practice? And how can we open our hearts to those who have wronged us?

To explore these questions, Barasch draws on evolutionary biology, social psychology, spirituality, history and his own experiences, like living for several days as a homeless person. He also interviews people who have gone against their own self-interests to help others, including those who forgave and even befriended murderers of family members (Chapter 10, Loving the Monster); citizens of Nazi-occupied Europe who rescued persecuted Jews (Chapter 8, The Altruist); and people who voluntarily gave kidneys to strangers in need of transplants (Chapter 7, The Giveaway). The stories of why they did what they did, and the impact it had on their lives, are unforgettable.

The Kidney List Expanded

The kidney donors particularly struck a chord with me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve kept a mental “kidney list”: a short roster of people to whom I’d donate a kidney if they ever needed one. (Kinda bizarre, I know, but aren’t we all?) Getting on my kidney list is no easy task. After all, you only have one kidney to give. Barasch made me think: Could I expand my kidney list to include every human being in the world? Even people who, at least in my mind, had harmed me?

Maybe I’ll start more slowly by not harboring hatred toward them. As one of Barasch’s subjects — a woman whose pregnant sister was murdered by a teenage thrill-kill from a wealthy family — memorably points out: “Hate is like drinking poison, and expecting it to kill the other guy. But it doesn’t kill him, it kills us.” Like Barasch did with a former business partner of his, we can forgive people who have wronged us, as much – if not more – for our own sake as theirs:

“I was persuaded by a remark I once heard the Archbishop Desmond Tutu make: ‘To forgive is the highest form of self-interest. I need to forgive you so that my anger and resentment and lust for revenge don’t corrode my being.’ I was corroding in my prison of ill-feeling. If I depended on my enemy to say he was sorry, then he was my jailer. I resolved that no matter what happened between us, I would filch the key and set myself free.”

The Audacious Altruist

Field Notes also examines why altruism can provoke negative reactions, like one of the voluntary kidney donors whose husband “just about threw up” when she told him what she was doing. Insights from the book came in handy recently when a good friend was greeted with hostility for having the audacity to tell a group of family friends that she preferred they make charitable donations in lieu of gifts for her birthday. You would’ve thought she asked them to ram bamboo shoots under their fingernails.

Thanks to Barasch, I understood that her act of altruism had (unintentionally) made them feel guilty or somewhat “less than”, which manifested in anger towards her:

“If they’re normal, then maybe I’m deficient, so there must be something wrong with them. Their lights are on so bright, we find ourselves looking down for their feet of clay. What are they up to, anyway? Which category of too-good-to-be-true should we check off: people-pleaser, queen of denial, religious nut, other? After their noble come-ons, their freebies of grace, what will they try to finagle in return? When we look behind their boons, will we discover a sell-by-date stamp?”

Learning To Be Kinder

Barasch’s insights helped me not only understand why my friend’s selfless act was met with anger, but why some people have reactions verging on horror when they learn I’ve applied for the Peace Corps. The understanding I gleaned from Field Notes helps me be kinder towards them. And as Barasch concludes, that’s really what it all boils down to:

“I often wonder if those most gifted with ‘caring thinking’ aren’t some sort of harbingers. But we don’t need a new set of genes or extra smarts to share our candy. Something within us already conduces toward heartfulness, and its nature is to grow with the merest effort. Aldous Huxley, asked on his deathbed to sum up what he had learned in his eventful life, said, ‘It’s embarrassing to tell you this, but it seems to come down mostly to just learning to be kinder.’ And though I set out to write a more hardheaded, less softhearted (and perhaps less softheaded) book, I can only conclude the same.”

Postcards From The Edge (Of Lake Michigan)

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Postcards: the snail mail equivalent of texting. It doesn’t matter if they come from a vacation spot or your home town. Postcards are a quick, easy and fun way to let people know you’re thinking of them and to bring a smile to their day.

Having just moved a few blocks from Navy Pier, I find myself living in a tourist destination, complete with a souvenir shop down the block. Last night, I popped in and bought postcards to send to friends as a Random Act of Rainbow.

Is there someone you can surprise with a postcard today?

Rainbow of the Week: They Live On In Us

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With Father’s Day around the corner, those of us who have lost our dads may be feeling a bit like a kid whose parents didn’t show up for the school play: all alone, with no one to cheer us on. But when you stop and think about it, our parents who have passed on to the next level live on in this world through us, their children.

So my guest blogger and rainbow in the clouds this week is my dad, a man who firmly believed in CAPITALIZATION for EMPHASIS. (Hey, if Coachella can bring Tupac back as a hologram, I can bring my dad back as a guest blogger.)  In packing to prepare for my upcoming move, I ran across a letter he wrote at a time when I was contemplating a job change:

“I’m sure you understand that there are TIMES in every person’s life that are DIFFICULT and it is necessary to ‘TOUGH THINGS OUT.’ That is ONE WAY OF GROWING. You have been blessed in many ways and you are on the way literally to having a GREAT, GOOD LIFE. Some things take a little longer, and patience can be a most important part of LEARNING and GROWING. Sometimes sacrifice is required also. Life can be quite a MIXTURE, but in the end it’s still pretty much what we OURSELVES make of it.”

I also found this note written in a book that he gave me:

“I like Earl Nightingale’s definition of SUCCESS: ‘The progressive realization of WORTHWHILE GOALS!’ The more I think about it, the more perfect I find it. Each word is significant. The POSSIBILITY THINKER asks: ‘Where will I be 5, 10, 20 years from now?’ and answers, ‘That depends on the decisions I make TODAY and the goals I CHOOSE as the LEADER OF MY OWN DESTINY!”

Since I can’t give dad a Father’s Day gift, I’m doing two things to carry on his legacy. First, in an upcoming series called “Path to Purpose”, I’ll explore dad’s message of being the leader of your own destiny and making the most of your life. Second, to honor the man who put a roof over my head, I made a donation in his name to the St. Bernard Project, which builds homes for New Orleans families displaced by Hurricane Katrina.

If you’re lucky enough to spend Father’s Day with your dad, give him an extra hug for me (a really really good one, please). If your dad has moved on from this world, find a way to let the best parts of him shine brightly through you.

A Hug In An Envelope

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June 17 is Father’s Day. The last time I heard from my dad was 12 years ago. He died the day after my birthday, and my flight from Chicago to Ohio didn’t make it in time to say goodbye. When I went back home, a birthday card was waiting for me, signed in his distinctive handwriting, “All my love, dad.”

I inherited dad’s love of cards.  Sending a card is a simple yet effective way to show that you care, and we all need to know someone out there cares about us. Cards are wonderful keepsakes. I have a folder full of cards from dad. When I’m really missing him, I pull out the folder and read some of his cards. It brings his upbeat attitude, crinkly-eyed smile and love back to life.

Sending a card can make someone’s day. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion: the best cards are unexpected! Many options exist today that make sending a card an easy thing to do.

New-Fangled Cards

E-cards only take a couple of minutes to find and send. For a list of web sites that offer free e-cards, click here. If you’re willing to pay a little bit more, you can get really beautiful e-cards from Blue Mountain. I like their cards so much that I paid $30 for a 2-year membership that allows me to send an unlimited number of e-cards. BlueMountain.com also has software that enables you to create and print cards, and it keep reminders for you of people’s birthdays and other special dates.

Of course, these days, there’s an app for that! The Cards app from Apple lets you create and mail cards with your own text and photos from your iPhone. Take a photo and with a few taps and swipes, a letterpress card is on its way to any address in the world. The app is free. Each card is $3, including postage, when sent in the U.S. ($5 if sent to or from anywhere else).

Old-Fashioned Cards

Most people love to get cards the old-fashioned way: via snail mail. Since it can be hard to find the right card when you need it, I shop for cards all the time and snap up good ones whenever I see them. Airports can be good places to shop for cards, as are Target, Papyrus and World Market. If you’re not inclined to build up a standby selection one card at a time, you can get great all-occasion greeting card assortments from UNICEF or Amazon.

Of course, handmade cards can be the best of all. Growing up, my brothers and sisters and I made cards while sitting around the kitchen table, using pictures cut from magazines, crayons, markers and construction paper. That must be why I love going into Paper Source stores so much. They have all the supplies you need to make beautiful cards, and Paper Source has card-making classes each month.

What to Say

If you have trouble coming up with just the right thing to say in a card, don’t despair. You can get help online at Messages For Cards or What To Write In A Card.

What Dad Said

If you’re wondering what my birthday card from dad said, here’s the last (and best) hug in an envelope that I got from him:

Don’t miss a DAY of your LIFE.

Find ways to make

EACH DAY matter –

to you, to another,

to the WORLD.

DEVELOP, LISTEN to, NURTURE

and TRUST your instincts.

You will compete in life,

but LIFE

is not a competition –

it is A GIFT TO BE SHARED…

Don’t be afraid to fall down.

Please, don’t be afraid

to GET BACK UP.

Be as proud

of WHO YOU ARE

as what you do.

Treasure the many SPECIAL PEOPLE

in your life …

…and KNOW that you are

one of them.

All my love,

dad

Rainbow of the Week: Go VEEP!

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I was in Washington, D.C. this week for a work-related seminar when I heard the news about President Obama endorsing people’s right to enter into same-sex marriages. Maybe because I grew up in an era where the right to enter into interracial marriages was still questioned – something that now seems so fundamental — I felt proud of our prez for standing up for people’s rights rather than waffling on the issue. Why wouldn’t we want to support love and commitment, regardless of the form that it takes?

Then I went to a cozy luncheon with 700 or so other lawyers where the luncheon speaker (a political journalist) explained that it was actually a “gaffe” by Vice President Biden on Meet the Press that forced Obama to come out in support of gay marriage. I say, go VEEP!

One of my favorite comedians, Bill Maher, pointed out this turn of events as only Maher can as his last “new rule” on his show this week. Maher summarized the situation rather aptly:

“If we want historic change, we can either do it the president’s way, slowly, using cool, detached reason, or the vice president’s way, quickly using brainfarts… Maybe Joe’s gaffe will be the turning point where Democratic politicians realize that doing the right thing on social issues can be a winner, politically, too.”

To hear everything Maher had to say on the issue (which is both funny and insightful), click here.

Rainbow Of The Week: The Dalai Lama’s Guide To Dating

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Someone I dated years ago recently reappeared and began calling and texting on a regular basis, and taking me to dinner at expensive restaurants. Let’s call him Mr. Boomerang. I was flattered. And yet, something was a little off. Last week, the real reason for his getting back in touch with me surfaced: Mr. Boomerang thought I could give him some lucrative business through my current employer.

When I first realized what was going on, the ugly green slime of anger started rising from my stomach up through my throat and into my brain. I’m pretty sure those nice dinners went on his expense account. Hmmm, do you think he expensed his mileage too?

Thankfully, the Dalai Lama’s words of wisdom, from The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, came to the rescue. As the Dalai Lama explains, “hatred and anger are considered to be the greatest evils because they are the greatest obstacles to developing compassion and altruism, and they destroy one’s virtue and calmness of mind.” The way to overcome anger and hatred is to cultivate their antidotes – patience and tolerance – by actively practicing them.

I was determined not to let Mr. Boomerang destroy my peace of mind, so I shifted my perspective and decided to use the experience to practice my patience and tolerance skills, per the Dalai Lama’s advice:

“Now there are many, many people in the world, but relatively few with whom we interact, and even fewer who cause us problems. So when you come across such a chance for practicing patience and tolerance, you should treat it with gratitude. It is rare. Just as having unexpectedly found a treasure in your own house, you should be happy and grateful towards your enemy for providing that precious opportunity. Because if you are ever to be successful in your practice of patience and tolerance, which are critical factors in counteracting negative emotions, it is due to the combination of your own efforts and also the opportunity provided by your enemy.”

With that in mind, I politely told Mr. Boomerang about some research he needed to do in the area of my company that’s of interest to him, gave him my work number, and told him to call me during business hours.

But don’t think that the Dalai Lama is a wimp:

 “Now when we talk about how we should develop tolerance towards those who harm us, we should not misunderstand this to mean that we should just meekly accept whatever is done to us. Rather, if necessary, the best, the wisest course, might be to simply run away—run miles away!”

I did the equivalent of running miles away: I deleted Mr. Boomerang from my iPhone. That felt good, but not nearly as good as reacting to a trying situation with patience and tolerance and avoiding all of the negative emotions that anger unleashes inside of us!